At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
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How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
So that’s what we looked like?
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??