[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
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Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
opening twitter today
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.