[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
You Might Also Like
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
They grow up so quick
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Wednesday
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.