[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
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Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
#titanic
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.