[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
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I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Everyone’s family
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28