[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
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ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Pat is about to own someone
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT