[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
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Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles