Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
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[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment