Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
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-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂