Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
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I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
ATMs should have breathalyzers
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.