Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
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Jurassic park gets weird
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!