Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
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Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list