Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
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Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.