Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
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[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Autocarrot sucks!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!