Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
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They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”