Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
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And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad