Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
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As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Note to self: always read the final line
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox