Atheists are Popeless romantics.

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To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing


My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.


Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is


I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense


“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”


*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*


thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.


If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.


The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET


I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?