Atheists are Popeless romantics.
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Ugh but profoundly
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.