@TheTweetOfGod

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

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@lenadunham

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

@YesitsAl

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

@ElizaBayne

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

@behindyourback

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

@vineyille

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

@debon7

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

@LizerReal

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

@WMcHBg

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

@MelvinofYork

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

@JustBeingEmma

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?