Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
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[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
whatcha thinkin bout
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Check your privilege
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.