@iAmJuddy
@TEXASVETERAN Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
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@TEXASVETERAN 
@ju_floripa people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
@Goldishocks A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
@Loli_Sug I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
@AimeeHelene1 *walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
@leechee420 Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
@eddiesnextwife When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
@seancehat [first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
@AndyAsAdjective [therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
@claire_mudie NOT all policemen are strippers.