Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
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#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
S M O L
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.