ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
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I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Fight
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Just as the prophecy foretold
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Whisper out to librarians!
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.