ATMs should have breathalyzers
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This pepper has seen some shit
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Oh. My. God.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.