@DurtMcHurtt

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

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@BlindChow

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

@Elifcello

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

@daemonic3

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

@TheNardvark

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

@sewmuchgeek

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!

@TheToddWilliams

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

@amishschool

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

@nayele18maybe

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

@electrolemon

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

@inconsequentia2

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”