*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
You Might Also Like
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh