*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
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ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
All generalizations are stupid.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
This came to me in a dream.