Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

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Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.


Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack


Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.


Her: Let’s just drop it.

Me: Fine.



Her: I just find it funny how…

Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*


If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.


When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.