Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
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I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.