[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
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*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Beauty and the Beast
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!