*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
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This kinda thing happens to me often
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
pictures of spider-man
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?