*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
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Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.