*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
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Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.