Attention fat vegans:
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My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Me: With a straw please
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
home alarm- anniversary
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
huge if true: the moon
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.