Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
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What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
😜
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.