Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
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If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.