Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
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I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
first you must answer his riddles
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
“Theirye’re” problem solved