Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
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Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.