Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
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Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home