Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
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“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I’m calling the cops.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.