Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
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Time is precious, waste it wisely.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.