ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
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WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”