@NoTheOtherJohn

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

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@Brianhopecomedy

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

@DosieDoe

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

@TheHyyyype

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

@SkinnieTalls

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

@_Vaginasaurus

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

@chloethesiren

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

@BrdnHatesYou

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

@badbanana

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

@WineMummy

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.