ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

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To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.


I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.



me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it


The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.


Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.


Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!


I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.


*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*


The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.


Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.