[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
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There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Hilarious if literal: arms race
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Canada has crack?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Get off my horse you stupid moon
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.