Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
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Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.