ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.