Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
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[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
necessity is the mother of invention
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit