[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
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I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.