(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
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I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
#FunnyLife Insects
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.