Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
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The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…