“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
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Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”