August 8
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applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Meow
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people