August 8
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*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
What
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist