*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
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Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
😅🤣😂
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
asking santa clause for nudes
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
They also CAN sing✌️
Go girl power!
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.