AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
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Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Finally, an explanation.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.