Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard