Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
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The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies