@TheToddWilliams

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

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@sixfootcandy

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

@danfishbach

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

@dru0887

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

@clindsaysway

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

@behindyourback

Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL

@Marcmywords2

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

@MikeSchism

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

@chopper4jk

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun