Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

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Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.


Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.


If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?


We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.


Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL


No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.


unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life


911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun