[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
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I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
The news
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know