AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
You Might Also Like
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
🤣✨#caturday
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.