[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
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I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Is….Is this an option?
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?